Safe from the Losing Fight

I grew up going to church. My family was very involved in a local church, and I was there just about any time the church was open. My parents felt it was important to teach me about Jesus at a very young age. Even at a young age I knew that man was sinful, that sin separated man from God, and that Jesus had come, died, and had been raised again to reconcile man to God.

But it wasn’t a personal knowledge. It was strictly a head knowledge. I knew that man was sinful, but it hadn’t occurred to me that I was sinful. I knew that Jesus had come to die for our sins, but I didn’t occur to me that that included me. Although I hadn’t exactly led a hedonistic life up to this point, I was a sinner. I was focused on myself, and what I wanted. As siblings do, I fought with my brothers, and was completely centered on my own wants and needs.

When I was ten, I was attending one of many Sunday morning worship services at my church. At the end of the service, an invitation to accept Jesus was given. I don’t remember what the sermon was on, but I do remember that during the invitation the pastor reminded us that all have sinned and are separated from God because of it. I had heard this countless times before, but this time it made sense. He was talking about me. I was a sinner. I was missing a relationship with God because of my sin. The Holy Spirit used that thought to convict me.

But at the moment I didn’t have the courage to walk down to the front and speak with someone about it. After we had gotten home from church, I told my dad that I was interested in giving my life to Christ. We talked about it, and he assured me he would be supportive of whatever decision I made.

The next Sunday, the same thing happened: the Holy Spirit used the invitation to convict me. This time, however, I asked my dad if he would go with me down to the altar. He practically carried me. Once there one of the counselors led me through accepting Christ. I acknowledged that I was sinner, that I was separated from God because of it, and was unable to do anything myself to earn my salvation. I acknowledged that Jesus died for my sins, and rose again. I repented and asked Jesus to forgive my sins and to be my Savior and the Lord of my life.

The change in my life was immediate. There was an emotional change. I felt a joy and a peace that I had never felt before. There was also a change in the direction of my life. I was no longer wholly centered on myself but actually concerned with the fate of others. I became concerned for one of my friend’s salvation. Within a year I had shared Jesus with this friend, using a tract, and he had come to know the Lord as his personal savior.

Although I grew up in the church, and was surrounded by Christians, that wasn’t enough. I wasn’t saved by just knowing about Jesus and what he had done, or by just going to church, or having Christian parents. It was by grace I was saved through faith. It was a personal decision I made, not something I inherited or earned.

Ephesians 2:8-9 explains this: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God — not by works, so that no one can boast.” Acts 15:11 reinforces this. “No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.”

Grabblin, aka noodling, is the latest craze to be called a “semi-aquatic activity.” But don’t be fooled, it only occurs half in the water.

For the uninitiated, grabblin occurs when a person, the grabblinee, swims around in lakes, rivers, or a 7-Eleven Big Gulp, jamming their hand into any hole they find. Why? Because there might a water moccasin, snapping turtle, or a catfish in the hole, and it would be downright rude not to offer them a bite of the grabblinee’s hand. The idea, apparently, is to lose your entire hand. Unfortunately, the snapping turtles usually just bite off a few fingers and the snakes just inject massive amounts of venom. Neither truly bite off the entire hand, although sometimes the snake’s venom makes it fall off. But that’s only a technical win, not a true win in the real sense of the word. Until they are reduced to a nub for a hand, the grabblinee must continue shoving his or her hand into random holes.

The team version is much the same, but with increased chances of someone drowning.

On the off chance a catfish bites the hand, the shocked grabblinee will immediately surface with it, and hold it aloft in order to save it from drowning. The catfish, approximately the size of a small Buick, is rife with excitement. As a reward for being rescued, the fish performs his favorite Monty Python skit, namely, The Fish Slapping Dance. Clearly, the catfish feels as if he was born to play the part of John Cleese.

Although the origins of this game are shrouded in secrecy, I’m convinced that grabblin was invented by fathers who have daughters. Its not easy to weed out the dumb suitors, but this “semi-aquatic activity” makes it considerably easier. I would imagine the father/daughter conversation would go something like this:

Daughter: Daddy, Daddy, Jeb just asked me to marry him!

Father: How many fingers does he have?

Daughter: (lowers head) Three.

Father: You know know what that means.

Daughter: Yes Daddy.

Father: (retrieving shotgun)

Daughter: (taking shotgun) No Daddy, he’s my boyfriend.

If you’re the sensitive type, then I can assure you this scene ends nothing like Old Yeller. Except for the part where someone sympathetic, yet doomed, is shot. That happens.

Now if you’re like me, at this point you’re wondering why the authorities haven’t gotten involved. Well, fear not, PETA (motto: Ruining one dinner at a time) has gotten involved. No, seriously. These animals suffer severe emotional distress. The catfish alone become despondent when they discover what they thought were worms are actually just the fingers of someone with nothing else better to do, and that they, in fact, cannot breathe air. PETA has learned, that as a result of this, the catfish spend the rest of their lives at the bottom, scavenging on dead fish.

Undoubtedly, PETA will take action to stop these travesties. In unlikely event that writing angry unread letters, fighting for catfish suffrage, and chaining themselves to random pieces of wildlife don’t work, they are willing to travel all the way to their sidewalk to protest. You can’t travel far when you’re chained to a moose. Which is probably for the best, since the meeting of PETA and a grabblinee would probably turn ugly if that ever happened:

Jeb: (holding up a catfish) He’s a beaut, ain’t he Jethro?

Jethro: Yep, sure is.

Trevor: Cease and desist immediately! You’re causing that poor animal emotional distress!

Jeb: …

Jethro: …

Jeb: Um, no. He’s dead. See? They can’t breathe air.

Jethro: Really? Huh.

Trevor: How would you like it if someone did that to you??

Jeb: Well, I can breathe air so…

Trevor: You’re barbarians! Killing animals for any reason is senseless!

Jeb: Look fella, I ain’t the one chained to a moose.

Trevor: That’s for his own protection!

Jeb: Well now, that’s just silly. If you want protection, you need one of these. (Jeb pulls out a shotgun)

Moose: (spooked by the gun) HHHHOOOOONNNKKKK!!!!

(The moose tears off through the woods, trampling poor Trevor.)

Jeb: Wow. That worked out better than I thought.

Jethro: Yep. High three!

However, despite PETA’s best efforts grabblin shows no signs of abating. When asked if they were concerned about further interference from PETA, several grabblinee’s said “No, the moose sorta took care of that for us.” It appears grabblin, and the moose, are here to stay.

So the next time your sitting around on your front porch, playing Russian Roulette, and think “I wish there was something like this, but for under water”, think of grabblin. Its the perfect hobby for people with too much time, alcohol, and/or fingers.

It has recently come to my attention that there are currently no Apple based soap operas. Sure, there’s As the Apple Turns, but it hasn’t been updated in many months. I also have my doubts as to it being a real soap opera; nobody ever got amnesia. What kind of soap opera is that? There’s also Crazy Apple Rumors, which occasionally reads like a soap opera, but once again, no amnesia.

In order to fill this desperate need, and some free time, I am prepared to take up this gauntlet. We all have to make sacrifices sometime.

The scene opens with a product meeting about the new iPhone. Steve Jobs, Tony Fadell, and Tim Cook are all in attendance.

Jobs: Tony, how are we doing on the iPhone with a 52″ screen and telepathic interface?

Tony: Steve…

Jobs: Yes?

Tony: Its no use hiding behind your technical jargon.

Jobs: What?

Tony: Steve… don’t you know I love you?

Jobs: No! Its not possible!

Tony: Yes, it true!

Jobs: No, it can’t be. For you see… I’m not really Steve…

Tony: *gasp*

Jobs: I’m Steve’s evil twin quintuplet, Stewart!

Tony: You don’t mean… *gasp*

Jobs: Yes… *sob* Yes. I have amnesia!

Tony: *gasp*

Gil Amelio: *gasp*

Jobs: Who let you in?

Gil Amelio: Sorry. Here’s your pizza.

Jobs: Anyway… Tim, you’re looking a little large lately.

Tim: Yes… I’m… I’m pregnant.

Tony: *gasp*

Gil Amelio: *gasp*

Jobs: Are you done yet?

Gil Amelio: Um, yes. Sorry. I’m leaving.

Tim: Yes, Steve. I’m… I’m pregnant.

Tony: But… how??

Tim: Well, you see Tony, when a man loves a woman, they…

Tony: No, I mean, how does a man get pregnant? Don’t you need a uterus or something?

Tim: Oh. I’m not sure. But it happened to Arnold Schwarzenegger one time, so I’m sure its possible.

Jobs: Who’s the… father? …mother? …whatever… you know.

Tim: I don’t know. For you see… I have amnesia!

Tony: *gasp*

Jobs: Do you have to keep doing that?

Tony: Um… yes, actually. You put that in my contract. See? “Must gasp at any and all amnesia revelations.” Seemed a little weird at the time, but makes perfect sense now.

Jobs: Oh, right. I forgot… for you see.. I have amnesia!

Tony: *gasp*

Tim: Yes, yes, we covered that already. Shouldn’t we get back to the iPhone thingie?

Jobs: *sigh* Sure why not. What’s the problem again?

Tony: Um, we don’t know how to make one.

Jobs: Oh. Hmm.. that’s sort of a buzzkill. Does anyone else have any shocking revelations instead?

Jobs Evil Twin #4: Yes… I do.

Tony: *gasp* I thought you were dead!

Jobs Evil Twin #4: I was… in my heart. For you see… I have always loved you, Tim.

Tim: *sobs* I… I know… but our love is forbidden.

Jobs Evil Twin #4: Yes. That’s why I went into exile… to protect your feelings.

Jobs: Sounds boring.

Jobs Evil Twin #4: Um, yes. That’s why I made this.

Evil Twin #4 produces an iPhone.

Jobs: Sweet. I guess we’re done here.

Evil Twin #4: But wait… doesn’t anyone care that I have amnesia??

Tony: Not really.

Tune in next time, when someone else forgets they have an evil twin brother!

I probably need professional help.