It has recently come to my attention that there are currently no Apple based soap operas. Sure, there’s As the Apple Turns, but it hasn’t been updated in many months. I also have my doubts as to it being a real soap opera; nobody ever got amnesia. What kind of soap opera is that? There’s also Crazy Apple Rumors, which occasionally reads like a soap opera, but once again, no amnesia.
In order to fill this desperate need, and some free time, I am prepared to take up this gauntlet. We all have to make sacrifices sometime.
The scene opens with a product meeting about the new iPhone. Steve Jobs, Tony Fadell, and Tim Cook are all in attendance.
Jobs: Tony, how are we doing on the iPhone with a 52″ screen and telepathic interface?
Tony: Its no use hiding behind your technical jargon.
Tony: Steve… don’t you know I love you?
Jobs: No! Its not possible!
Tony: Yes, it true!
Jobs: No, it can’t be. For you see… I’m not really Steve…
Jobs: I’m Steve’s evil twin quintuplet, Stewart!
Tony: You don’t mean… *gasp*
Jobs: Yes… *sob* Yes. I have amnesia!
Gil Amelio: *gasp*
Jobs: Who let you in?
Gil Amelio: Sorry. Here’s your pizza.
Jobs: Anyway… Tim, you’re looking a little large lately.
Tim: Yes… I’m… I’m pregnant.
Gil Amelio: *gasp*
Jobs: Are you done yet?
Gil Amelio: Um, yes. Sorry. I’m leaving.
Tim: Yes, Steve. I’m… I’m pregnant.
Tony: But… how??
Tim: Well, you see Tony, when a man loves a woman, they…
Tony: No, I mean, how does a man get pregnant? Don’t you need a uterus or something?
Tim: Oh. I’m not sure. But it happened to Arnold Schwarzenegger one time, so I’m sure its possible.
Jobs: Who’s the… father? …mother? …whatever… you know.
Tim: I don’t know. For you see… I have amnesia!
Jobs: Do you have to keep doing that?
Tony: Um… yes, actually. You put that in my contract. See? “Must gasp at any and all amnesia revelations.” Seemed a little weird at the time, but makes perfect sense now.
Jobs: Oh, right. I forgot… for you see.. I have amnesia!
Tim: Yes, yes, we covered that already. Shouldn’t we get back to the iPhone thingie?
Jobs: *sigh* Sure why not. What’s the problem again?
Tony: Um, we don’t know how to make one.
Jobs: Oh. Hmm.. that’s sort of a buzzkill. Does anyone else have any shocking revelations instead?
Jobs Evil Twin #4: Yes… I do.
Tony: *gasp* I thought you were dead!
Jobs Evil Twin #4: I was… in my heart. For you see… I have always loved you, Tim.
Tim: *sobs* I… I know… but our love is forbidden.
Jobs Evil Twin #4: Yes. That’s why I went into exile… to protect your feelings.
Jobs: Sounds boring.
Jobs Evil Twin #4: Um, yes. That’s why I made this.
Evil Twin #4 produces an iPhone.
Jobs: Sweet. I guess we’re done here.
Evil Twin #4: But wait… doesn’t anyone care that I have amnesia??
Tony: Not really.
Tune in next time, when someone else forgets they have an evil twin brother!
I probably need professional help.