Grabblin, aka noodling, is the latest craze to be called a “semi-aquatic activity.” But don’t be fooled, it only occurs half in the water.

For the uninitiated, grabblin occurs when a person, the grabblinee, swims around in lakes, rivers, or a 7-Eleven Big Gulp, jamming their hand into any hole they find. Why? Because there might a water moccasin, snapping turtle, or a catfish in the hole, and it would be downright rude not to offer them a bite of the grabblinee’s hand. The idea, apparently, is to lose your entire hand. Unfortunately, the snapping turtles usually just bite off a few fingers and the snakes just inject massive amounts of venom. Neither truly bite off the entire hand, although sometimes the snake’s venom makes it fall off. But that’s only a technical win, not a true win in the real sense of the word. Until they are reduced to a nub for a hand, the grabblinee must continue shoving his or her hand into random holes.

The team version is much the same, but with increased chances of someone drowning.

On the off chance a catfish bites the hand, the shocked grabblinee will immediately surface with it, and hold it aloft in order to save it from drowning. The catfish, approximately the size of a small Buick, is rife with excitement. As a reward for being rescued, the fish performs his favorite Monty Python skit, namely, The Fish Slapping Dance. Clearly, the catfish feels as if he was born to play the part of John Cleese.

Although the origins of this game are shrouded in secrecy, I’m convinced that grabblin was invented by fathers who have daughters. Its not easy to weed out the dumb suitors, but this “semi-aquatic activity” makes it considerably easier. I would imagine the father/daughter conversation would go something like this:

Daughter: Daddy, Daddy, Jeb just asked me to marry him!

Father: How many fingers does he have?

Daughter: (lowers head) Three.

Father: You know know what that means.

Daughter: Yes Daddy.

Father: (retrieving shotgun)

Daughter: (taking shotgun) No Daddy, he’s my boyfriend.

If you’re the sensitive type, then I can assure you this scene ends nothing like Old Yeller. Except for the part where someone sympathetic, yet doomed, is shot. That happens.

Now if you’re like me, at this point you’re wondering why the authorities haven’t gotten involved. Well, fear not, PETA (motto: Ruining one dinner at a time) has gotten involved. No, seriously. These animals suffer severe emotional distress. The catfish alone become despondent when they discover what they thought were worms are actually just the fingers of someone with nothing else better to do, and that they, in fact, cannot breathe air. PETA has learned, that as a result of this, the catfish spend the rest of their lives at the bottom, scavenging on dead fish.

Undoubtedly, PETA will take action to stop these travesties. In unlikely event that writing angry unread letters, fighting for catfish suffrage, and chaining themselves to random pieces of wildlife don’t work, they are willing to travel all the way to their sidewalk to protest. You can’t travel far when you’re chained to a moose. Which is probably for the best, since the meeting of PETA and a grabblinee would probably turn ugly if that ever happened:

Jeb: (holding up a catfish) He’s a beaut, ain’t he Jethro?

Jethro: Yep, sure is.

Trevor: Cease and desist immediately! You’re causing that poor animal emotional distress!

Jeb: …

Jethro: …

Jeb: Um, no. He’s dead. See? They can’t breathe air.

Jethro: Really? Huh.

Trevor: How would you like it if someone did that to you??

Jeb: Well, I can breathe air so…

Trevor: You’re barbarians! Killing animals for any reason is senseless!

Jeb: Look fella, I ain’t the one chained to a moose.

Trevor: That’s for his own protection!

Jeb: Well now, that’s just silly. If you want protection, you need one of these. (Jeb pulls out a shotgun)

Moose: (spooked by the gun) HHHHOOOOONNNKKKK!!!!

(The moose tears off through the woods, trampling poor Trevor.)

Jeb: Wow. That worked out better than I thought.

Jethro: Yep. High three!

However, despite PETA’s best efforts grabblin shows no signs of abating. When asked if they were concerned about further interference from PETA, several grabblinee’s said “No, the moose sorta took care of that for us.” It appears grabblin, and the moose, are here to stay.

So the next time your sitting around on your front porch, playing Russian Roulette, and think “I wish there was something like this, but for under water”, think of grabblin. Its the perfect hobby for people with too much time, alcohol, and/or fingers.