Safe from the Losing Fight

When contracting, I get to see lots of code. Some of it is good, some of it bad, and some just leaves me scratching my head.

For example, I came across this today:

//ASSERT(1);

Apparently things had gotten so bad for this programmer that he needed to make sure 1 still evaluated to true. I’ve had days like that. Better yet, when done, he just commented the line out, helpfully allowing future developers to quickly make use of his wisdom.

Such a philanthropist.

It has recently come to my attention that there are currently no Apple based soap operas. Sure, there’s As the Apple Turns, but it hasn’t been updated in many months. I also have my doubts as to it being a real soap opera; nobody ever got amnesia. What kind of soap opera is that? There’s also Crazy Apple Rumors, which occasionally reads like a soap opera, but once again, no amnesia.

In order to fill this desperate need, and some free time, I am prepared to take up this gauntlet. We all have to make sacrifices sometime.

The scene opens with a product meeting about the new iPhone. Steve Jobs, Tony Fadell, and Tim Cook are all in attendance.

Jobs: Tony, how are we doing on the iPhone with a 52″ screen and telepathic interface?

Tony: Steve…

Jobs: Yes?

Tony: Its no use hiding behind your technical jargon.

Jobs: What?

Tony: Steve… don’t you know I love you?

Jobs: No! Its not possible!

Tony: Yes, it true!

Jobs: No, it can’t be. For you see… I’m not really Steve…

Tony: *gasp*

Jobs: I’m Steve’s evil twin quintuplet, Stewart!

Tony: You don’t mean… *gasp*

Jobs: Yes… *sob* Yes. I have amnesia!

Tony: *gasp*

Gil Amelio: *gasp*

Jobs: Who let you in?

Gil Amelio: Sorry. Here’s your pizza.

Jobs: Anyway… Tim, you’re looking a little large lately.

Tim: Yes… I’m… I’m pregnant.

Tony: *gasp*

Gil Amelio: *gasp*

Jobs: Are you done yet?

Gil Amelio: Um, yes. Sorry. I’m leaving.

Tim: Yes, Steve. I’m… I’m pregnant.

Tony: But… how??

Tim: Well, you see Tony, when a man loves a woman, they…

Tony: No, I mean, how does a man get pregnant? Don’t you need a uterus or something?

Tim: Oh. I’m not sure. But it happened to Arnold Schwarzenegger one time, so I’m sure its possible.

Jobs: Who’s the… father? …mother? …whatever… you know.

Tim: I don’t know. For you see… I have amnesia!

Tony: *gasp*

Jobs: Do you have to keep doing that?

Tony: Um… yes, actually. You put that in my contract. See? “Must gasp at any and all amnesia revelations.” Seemed a little weird at the time, but makes perfect sense now.

Jobs: Oh, right. I forgot… for you see.. I have amnesia!

Tony: *gasp*

Tim: Yes, yes, we covered that already. Shouldn’t we get back to the iPhone thingie?

Jobs: *sigh* Sure why not. What’s the problem again?

Tony: Um, we don’t know how to make one.

Jobs: Oh. Hmm.. that’s sort of a buzzkill. Does anyone else have any shocking revelations instead?

Jobs Evil Twin #4: Yes… I do.

Tony: *gasp* I thought you were dead!

Jobs Evil Twin #4: I was… in my heart. For you see… I have always loved you, Tim.

Tim: *sobs* I… I know… but our love is forbidden.

Jobs Evil Twin #4: Yes. That’s why I went into exile… to protect your feelings.

Jobs: Sounds boring.

Jobs Evil Twin #4: Um, yes. That’s why I made this.

Evil Twin #4 produces an iPhone.

Jobs: Sweet. I guess we’re done here.

Evil Twin #4: But wait… doesn’t anyone care that I have amnesia??

Tony: Not really.

Tune in next time, when someone else forgets they have an evil twin brother!

I probably need professional help.